HIM blog

all about coming out!

Posted by HIM on Thursday July 23rd, 2009

Coming out can be a real celebration! Remember the first time you might have realized that there was something a little different about yourself? Maybe it felt like you were finally being honest with yourself. Or your parents. Or your best friend. Or that girl you were dating. Or maybe you just told your dog and that felt good at the time. Maybe you told a complete stranger because it was easier to test the waters. Maybe the first person that knew you were gay was the dude you just sucked off at the bathhouse. Maybe you waltzed up Davie Street with you mom who was wearing a t-shirt that read: “I love my queer son!”  In reality, gay guys often share similar experiences of coming out - so you’re not alone. If you sat in a room with a bunch of gay guys, you’d probably end up hearing a lot of overlapping themes in their coming out stories. And you’d also hear stories that were totally unique. And you’d hear pain. And laughter. And fear. Coming out is all wrapped up in emotion, gender, family, culture, sex drives, social class and a million other things. Whatever you decide, you are always your fabulous self - whether you decide that you’re gay, bi, straight with a twist, transqueergay, a drag queen diva fag or any else that fits into our big, diverse world of sexuality and gender. So the way that you decide to do it - or not do it - is totally up to you. That said, you can always reach out for help in the process.

What’s the Matter?  Researchers of the past and present have suggested many “causes” for homosexuality. What will happen if they finally settle on “the cause”? Is it something we plan on fixing? Will fetuses be diagnosed? And, while we’re at it, what makes people straight? By searching for the “gay switch” in the genome, scientists often treat homosexuality as a mistake, an “abnormality”, rather than simply a variation.

why am i gay?

Pure luck! No one knows why some guys are gay and others are straight. Oh, sure, there are theories about “gay genes” and the search for scientific proof of sexuality. Some people feel that it’s very important to find out reasons why we’re gay. But really, no one seems to be in a rush to find the “straight gene”, so why should they care if we’re all gay or bi or trans or anything else? Truth is, not many of us choose to be gay, but we do choose to celebrate our sexuality. We choose whom we love, fuck, kiss, hold hands and cuddle with a tiny bit of help from our hormones. So if that happens to be a dude, then celebrate!

Heterosexism is a line of thinking by which society tends to assume that everyone is, or wants to be heterosexual. Some people continue to believe that sexuality is chosen and that queer people can be “re-trained” into heterosexuality. This assumption that everyone is heterosexual is the cornerstone of one of the most common gay male dilemmas-whether or not to come out. How many times can you remember someone asking you whether or not you’ve found the “right girl”? If everyone is asking us that, how are we supposed to “come out”? We live in a world where all kinds of presumptions are made about sexuality and gender and gay guys have learned to push boundaries around our society’s expectations of sexuality, sex and gender. While Canadian society has improved vastly in this regard over recent decades, there is a great deal of work yet to be done.

(Stuff we like from YouTube!)

gay the teen years?

Adolescence can be a time of particular loneliness, anxiety and fear for all of us – gay or straight. Psychologists often say that humans are able to function in the world when we see “mirrors” of ourselves so that we know that someone else like us exists in the world. When we don’t see those “mirrors”, life gets tough because we feel that there is no one else out there who is like us. Imagine back to when you were growing up and what you might have felt if someone told you that it’s totally normal to be an openly gay high school teacher? Or that the plumber who came by to fix the kitchen sink has a husband? Or that you could make a job out of dressing up in drag? Imagine what you would feel like if you could hang out with those guys? As gay guys, we don’t have that many role models that give validation to our choices in life. It’s often up to us to find our own role models. Indeed, quite often our first role model ends up being the first guy that we have sex with!

Gay teenagers, or those of us who are perceived as gay, often become victims of harassment and violence, both mental and physical. Some guys learn to hide their sexuality, to act as they are expected to, out of a fear of being ridiculed and rejected by friends and family.

We know that words are powerful. Consider how self-perception can be altered, and skewed in the face of such hatred: Faggot, Fudge-Packer, Pervert, Priss, Nancy, Ponce, Sissy, Flamer, Fairy, Homo, Cocksucker, Bent…or simply “Like That”.

We all hear those insults in school hallways—and their messages can be integrated unconsciously. We call this "internalized homophobia". Even after coming out, internalized homophobia comes back for all of us whenever we think twice at displaying affection in public, or laugh at homophobic jokes at work. The integration of shame can create deep problems in our everyday lives.

Not every gay guy had a terrible time as a teenager. And being gay does not automatically make someone a victim. Far from it! Some guys have grown up in supportive environments. But internalized homophobia still has a pretty big impact on our lives.

dear me: i'm gay

Coming out is not a one-step process. The acknowledgment of our sexuality can take years and is most likely a lifelong process. Some guys begin with denial. The moment when a guy acknowledges his attraction to men and sees it as a real part of himself is what we call the first stage of coming out. There aren’t any rules, mind you. This stage might take place in a guy’s teens, or much later in life.

Getting support and having conversations can be very important at the initial stage of coming out. Elation and joy is mixed with anxiety, loneliness, and confusion, making for an emotional roller coaster that is upsetting for even the most sure-footed individual.

The truth is that we all learn by seeing, listening and understanding. Try asking your gay buddies about their own coming out experiences. Or if you haven’t come out yet, try talking to your straight friends about their thoughts on gay stuff. You might find that they are way more liberally minded than what you had thought.

dear mom: i’m gay &  fab!

Once we come out to ourselves, it doesn’t often take long before we come out to others. By that we mean going “public” in some way—coming out of the closet. Again, there are no rules about who to tell first, when, or how. People being people will gossip so once a person knows then a few more are likely to catch wind. Secrets are hard to keep, so keep in mind that you should be prepared to deal with unexpected confrontations.

It might be advisable to first come out to someone outside of the family – someone who is open-minded and supportive. When coming out to parents, guys often find it easier to talk to one parent first. Brothers and sisters may also be a good starting point.

While this is in no way a blueprint on how you should come out, it’s still useful to discuss a variety of options. Talking, for example, might not be necessary in some cases. For example, a letter allows might allow you to take your time and articulate your thoughts clearer. You could try writing a letter to the person who you want to come out to, just so you know what you want to say. When you actually talk to the person, you could give the person the letter and then also explain it in your own way.

Timing comes into it, too. Guys should be encouraged to choose a time when both parties are unhurried and when neither party is tired or emotionally distressed. Nervousness is natural, but anger or defensiveness are unproductive and can lead guys to say things they don’t mean.

We don’t always need to come out to our families right away, either. If you think that your situation might get much worse by coming out to your parents, then don’t do it right away. Choose someone who you think is “safer” and have a bit more patience with yourself and with your parents before you come out to them. The gay community often pressures guys to come out to their parents but our situations are varied and complex, especially when still living at home.

It’s a Cultural Thing: What coming out means is different to different people. Different ethnicities and cultural backgrounds vary wildly from recent Western ideas about gay life and love. In the West, coming out means socially validating the individual’s identity and thus has a political aspect. More collective cultures, which value harmony and conformity within the community more than the individual’s well-being, can have very different takes.

out for life

Coming out is not a one-step process. The acknowledgment of our sexuality can take years and is most likely a lifelong process. Some guys begin with denial. The moment when a guy acknowledges his attraction to men and sees it as a real part of himself is what we call the first stage of coming out. There aren’t any rules, mind you. This stage might take place in a guy’s teens, or much later in life.

Getting support and having conversations can be very important at the initial stage of coming out. Elation and joy is mixed with anxiety, loneliness, and confusion, making for an emotional roller coaster that is upsetting for even the most sure-footed individual.

The truth is that we all learn by seeing, listening and understanding. Try asking your gay buddies about their own coming out experiences. Or if you haven’t come out yet, try talking to your straight friends about their thoughts on gay stuff. You might find that they are way more liberally minded than what you had thought.

consequences and reactions

Coming out is complex. Our emotions, expectations, and social connections all get tangled up in it. Some guys tell us they feel a huge weight lifted off their shoulders when they tell people they’re gay. They even feel euphoric and giggly. They feel that they have finally become themselves. Maybe they have.

When others react badly to this “euphoric” revelation, however, it’s important to remind ourselves that a little bit of time can lend a great deal of perspective. The most hard-nosed bigot might eventually come around. Parents can react badly at first; they may experience a range of emotions (shock, guilt, disappointment, anger). Most parents quickly resort to stereotypical images of gay society that popular culture has fed them-they worry whether their son will lead a happy life, whether he’ll have to live with rejection and whether he’ll live with HIV. Also, lots of people think about sex first when it comes to gay guys - in particular butt fucking. Although things are changing there aren’t a lot of images of nurturing gay men out there so your parents or friends might have gay sex on their brains when you come out to them. It might be part of your job to help to explain that being gay is sometimes about butt fucking but it’s also about a whole host of other things. They might not understand that gay people have their own culture and history.

older guys coming out

Thousands of Canadian men have come out after years of living as a heterosexual man; being “straight” is the default sexuality in our culture. So some of us come out when we’re thirteen, others when we’re thirty and others come out anywhere else on the age map. But it’s also true that the longer you’ve been living a straight life, that it’s quite a bit more difficult and complicated to come out.

Internalized homophobia plays a role for most gay guys when we’re thinking of coming out - and that’s also where younger guys and older guys have some similarities. As an older guy you might have to deal with issues around your marriage, children and community who have a certain view of who you are. In truth those people may not treat you - at first - as you would like to be treated as an out, gay man. For now, give it some time! You’ve made a really important decision if you’re thinking about it or if you’ve totally decided to come out.

Before coming out, a lot of older gay guys have asked themselves: “Is it worth it for me to come out at this age?” It’s true that your life and your relationships with the people around you will change. Years of establishing particular ways of living are hard to break. But lots of younger guys will tell you that coming out changed their lives, made them feel better about themselves and presented all kinds of new and exciting possibilities for them. You might just find that the changes and difficulties you thought were insurmountable turn out to be much less trouble to deal with. People don’t talk about homosexuality very often, but you might very well find some allies in people you wouldn’t expect it from.

You might also be wondering if you’ll even fit into the “gay life” when you’re an older man. It’s hard to know exactly what gay life looks like. Walking down Davie Street on a Saturday night at 10pm will give you only one example of what gay life is all about. Popular representations of how gay men live don’t always reflect what’s really going on in real life and gay men’s lives are very diverse. Finding out where you “fit in” and where you feel comfortable is completely up to you and there are organizations that can help you get a sense of what the gay community can offer.

out at work

Coming out at work is a personal decision. Some guys decide not to mix their personal life with work while others find this separation to be impossible. Deciding whether to come out depends largely on the nature of a guy’s relationship with his co-workers. Those who do feel compelled to lie about their personal life or make up imaginary girlfriends may feel isolated and eventually grow weary of all the stories. When deciding whether to come out at work, guys should trust their gut: is it safe? And could it have negative consequences, professionally?

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