HIM blog

Gay Relationships Need Drama. True or Untrue?

Posted by HIM on Tuesday February 2nd, 2010

A friend of mine is currently having one of those on and off again relationships with his boyfriend of just one month.  While this seems to be just another typical gay hook-up, I couldn't help but notice the change in my friend’s behaviour (not necessarily a positive change either).  Let's rewind a little bit to just over a month ago when I first met James* (my friend), who at that time had just started his current relationship. At the time, he was one of the most outgoing people I've ever met, filled with energy and enthusiasm.  Fast forward to now, things have taken a complete turnaround; he is quiet and moody, all about serious talks and to be honest, way too dramatic for my liking. Like most gay men, I like drama, but this is just too much.

So what happened?   Well, from where I’m standing, it appears that James and his new boy are in a mutually abusive relationship. James in particular is experiencing mild forms of emotional and mental abuse, but he keeps going back for more.  Now I wonder whether the psychology behind it is similar to abused women who keep going back to their abusive men? Chris Brown and Rihanna incident anyone? Are gay men so desperate to be loved that they will sacrifice happiness for companionship? Or perhaps gay men just like drama? I say this because James' boyfriend is also feeling a sense of abuse whenever they argue (which is like nearly every day at this stage); he feels attacked, so much so that he feared for his safety at one point.  Yet he also keeps coming back for more, arguing the need for them to stay together ever so persuasively that he has James practically surrendering himself.  Now this is not an isolated case.  I have observed many similar drama filled gay relationships that manage to just keep on going.  For many of my straight friends, it would have ended a long time ago.

A study on gay relationships by Gottman and Levenson (featured in Time Magazine) noted significant differences between gay and heterosexual relationships.  Gay couples apparently are more satisfied with their relationship if they exhibit more tension during disagreements than those who remain unruffled.  For our straight counterpart, the opposite is true.  It's apathy that kills gay relationships not tension and drama.  This could very well explain why James and his boyfriend are mad about each other. They have intense fights that keep the relationship alive.  The researchers found that unlike heterosexual men, gay guys are more open to their emotions and those of their partner (just like women).  For straight men, emotional arguments are often considered toxic and disappointing as they want their ladies to idolize them.  Therefore, an emotionally abusive relationship is more likely to continue if it is with two gay guys.  Unlike heterosexual couples, the drama that results from gay arguments fuel the longevity of the relationship rather than kill it.  It is important to note that when I refer to fights and abuse I am not talking about anything physical. Physical abuse should never be tolerated!

So why do gays love drama so much, and even thrive on it?  Gottman and Levenson propose that years of repression, hate and confusion during our childhood and adolescence (even adult years for some) is to blame.  They noted that after repressing our emotions for years, sufficient drama is needed to fill those emotional spaces that were empty for a long time, and having a relationship is an ideal way to do so. That said, what about all the negative changes I see within James?  What happened to his outgoing energy?  Does he have to lose the happiness within, in order to keep his relationship alive? Or have they reached a point where the drama is now a false indication of a 'healthy relationship'? I guess that’s for James to figure out, or perhaps his counsellor, either way, it seems that gay and drama go hand-in-hand.

*All names have been changed to protect identity and me :)

— alby.k

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